It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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