i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
