one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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