Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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