I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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