the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I've blown a few things in my day
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
