That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
