It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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