Jerry, you need to find god
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
