grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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