I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i drank out of a bidet.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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