eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
