I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
