I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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