I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
