i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
