I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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