you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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