I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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