i need an iv and a liver transplant
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
