Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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