Have you finally orgasmed yet?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
