my sisters under your porch take her home
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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