I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
