covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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