This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
