you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
