I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
