Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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