I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
