i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
