I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
