I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
