I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
