I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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