There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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