I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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