The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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