I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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