There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
