so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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