I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
