Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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