So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
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There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
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The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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