he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
