I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
