I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
