Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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