wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
