You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
