wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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