Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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