Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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