Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
